Long lost memories part1

This was originally written 30.01.09

There’s a lot of irony going on in my life at the moment. For instant, the variable of being seen and overlooked is the thing that’s crossing my mind. Whenever I’m out in public, I like to stick out. I want to be different because of the simple reason that I want people to notice me. “Look at me” is a phrase I never speak out loud, although I obviously want to. “See me” is another one. It’s never “Hear me” or “Listen to me”; just NOTICE ME. And when people do take their time to look away from their newspapers or blackberries; whether it’s on the tube, a bus station or at a restaurant; and I get to hold their gaze for just a second or two; I’m satisfied. They’ve seen me. I don’t care what they’re thinking, as long as they’ve noticed me in some way. People tend to stare sometimes though. If it’s for the fact that I look alienated or just plain gay I really don’t know. And I don’t really care either. As long as I get the attention.

And you would think that as long as I feel people’s eyes measuring me that I would be satisfied, or at least feel some kind of pleasure; but in some bizarre way it’s not always like that. See; sometimes I don’t want to be looked at. Sometimes I just want to be a part of the crowd, not a freak that sticks out. Sometimes I’m actually praying for people to look another way, to stay with their books, iPods or whatever. But sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I feel completely naked and vulnerable, even though I know that yesterday I begged for the attention. But I’m also painfully aware of the fact that you can’t choose to get what you want in life. With choices come consequences. So when I’m asking for it- I get it. But I can’t choose to undo it. It’s that weird feeling when everyone’s staring that makes me almost feel paranoid and anxious. And in one way; it’s kind of ironic. The one thing I loved doing yesterday is what I hate doing today.

Just to get another perspective at this; whenever I’m in private, I literally hate being overlooked. If I meet new people that don’t hold my gaze long enough, I’ll probably do nothing to even engage into a conversation. I don’t feel like I owe it to them. And don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I think I’m better than anyone. But can you at least study me; make up your mind even if it’s “You are right down weird”? And say it out loud for the sake of it, even if it isn’t positive. It’s just that if you do: you’ve seen me, and I’m not an extra that played a small part in the background in one of your many scenes in life.